A Dickensian Anthology
by ScroogeMcDuck
Summary: A selection of poetry based on some of Dickens' works; OK...just Oliver Twist. XD Updated whenever inspiration strikes.
1. An Amusing Anecdote

Wind, rain, sleet, snow

No matter the weather, there I'll go

To London town to earn my keep

I'll return late to get some sleep

A hard day's work, that's every day

But there's still time for fun and play

A game of cards, a swig of gin

A trip to the Cripples? Count me in!

I love to laugh and have some fun

At cheeky laughs I'm number one!

I can be annoying; it's love or hate

What's my name?

Charley Bates!


	2. At the Undertaker's

The shop is dark

The candles lit

Its long gone closing time

Yet the doorbell tinkles

And a man walks in

Dragging a little boy, his face streaked with grime

"Is that you Bumble?"

Asks the undertaker

"No-one else, Mr. Sowerberry!"

The beadle replies

"I've brought the orphan. Oliver Twist."

The boy at his heels bows and gives a small sigh

His face is wan and sad

Most melancholy indeed

The undertaker looks at him with a kindly smile

"So this is the orphan is it?" he says

Eyes wide

"We'll see how he does before we give you your pay"

Bumble frowns

But then he nods

Donning his hat and making to leave

Oliver Twist was left

In the Sowerberry's care

He had just cause to grieve


	3. The Hat Stall: Based on Letter 30

Today was a glorious sunny day

A brilliant day, so it was

People were about, enjoying the sun

A perfect day to go out on the job

Since it was so sunny shopkeepers couldn't bare

To keep their wares inside

Instead they set up stalls, outside their shops

At one of these stalls was a brilliant find

A hat stall, it was

And a hat's what I found

A tall black one at that, what a glorious hat

The poor thing 'fell' onto the ground

I picked it up quick and was off like a shot

No-one at all knew I was there

Or, for that matter, that the hat was gone

No-one even stopped to stare

At the scrawny young man

With red hair a mess

Dashing down streets, a grin on his face

And a hat now on his head, dressed to impress

A hat stall, it was

And a hat's what I found

That grand summer's day

In old London town


	4. The Ribbon Incident: Based on Letter 47

_I'd had too much to drink I fear_

_So I decided to lie on my chair_

_And have a peaceful little snooze_

_To try and defeat the effects of the booze_

--

"Look Dodge, Fagin's asleep!" Charley crowed.

"So?" his friend did reply.

"I say we play a prank on him!"

Dodger nodded, biting back a joyous cry

--

The two boys nicked Fagin's workbox

Full of old needles and thread

They procured several pink ribbons and

With glee tied them onto his head

--

When they were done it was hard not to laugh

But they daren't for fear of waking

The slumbering man, now bedecked in ribbons

Soon laughter would be theirs for the taking

--

At long last, old Fagin awoke

At first he had no clue

But he soon found out, with a dreadful shout

Ever amused were those pickpockets two

--

Their joke soon turned sour, I fear

For Fagin pulled most of them out

Then he rounded on the boys

And gave to each a furious clout

--

But then, who should appear at the door

Than gruff Bill Sykes himself

When he saw what a state Fagin was in

He began to laugh as well!

--

_Well, /I/ didn't find it very funny_

_I don't know why they did!_

_Y'know, I think I'll go back to sleep (and forget it all)_

_After another glass of gin…_


	5. A Dog's Eye View

You know wot I find annoyin'?

'Ow no-one ever stops to think

About my side of the story

Sure, I never went to the clink

Or got murdered

Or picked pockets

Or asked fer more

But still

I pride meself on bein' an important member of the gang

After all, I'm the only one that can bark!

(Well, Fagin's barkin' mad

But tha's another story).

I witnessed the robbery at Browmlow's 'ouse

Nancy's murder an' all

A dog's eye view!

Dickens wrote I died at the end of the book

Tha's animal cruelty.


	6. The Final Blow

I saw her before me

Huddled on the ground

Drenched in blood

I heard not the sound

Of her breathing

Or her tears

Was she dead?

That was my fear

How could I have done this?

Why did I feel regret?

She'd betrayed us, hadn't she?

I couldn't let

My feelings show

As I dealt

The final blow


	7. He Can't See

He can't see

The tears behind the laughter

The pain behind my smile

The love I have to hide

All he sees is someone he can toy with

Beat senseless

Yet still

Somehow

I've got my pride

I'll force a smile

Wipe away my tears

And keep the candle burning

Till the day I die


	8. Gin: Based on Letter 21

If any of us had known

What was going to happen that day

We would've upped and ran away

But we didn't

--

Fagin had been hitting the gin

Harder than usual, we feared

He began to play with matches

And set fire to his beard

--

But that wasn't the worst of it

Oh no, the worst's to come

For when he'd extinguished his beard

He thought he'd have some more 'fun'

--

He took the bottle of gin from the cupboard

Poured a little into a glass

Lit a match and tossed it in

All of us stepped hurriedly back

--

As soon as the flame hit the spirit

The glass exploded with a bang

For, of course, the gin was flammable

Fagin obviously let science go hang

--

The flame now was spreading

Across the table and the floor

We all began to panic

And hurried to the door

--

But Fagin, with great presence of mind

Hurried to the water bucket

Doused the fire in a blink of an eye

We all could scare believe it

--

"Well, that's that!" he cried

As if it had all been a game

He returned to his armchair and started to snooze

And that, friend, was the day of flaming gin fame


	9. Card Games

The cards come out

The hands are dealt

The game begins

I'm the undisputed champion of the card table

Ask anyone and they'll tell yer

Now why is that, I hear ya ask

Simple!

I'm the Artful Dodger!


	10. Sing A Song Of Sausages

"These sausages are mouldy!"

Comes the disappointed cry

Fagin sighs dejectedly and starts to wonder

Why?

-

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

Why are they mouldy, oh why?

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

It's enough to make you cry!

-

No matter how he makes them

Boiled, fried or mashed

They always turn out badly

And leave him quite abashed

-

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

Why are they mouldy, oh why?

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

It's enough to make you cry!

-

Even if he cooks them

For the right amount of time

The sausages still aren't that great

(Neither are these rhymes)

-

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

Why are they mouldy, oh why?

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

It's enough to make you cry!

-

Fagin ponders this awhile

No answer can he give

If sausages are never good

Then it's no way to live!

-

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

Why are they mouldy, oh why?

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

It's enough to make you cry!

-

He then picks up the toasting fork

And on it sticks some bread

If he can't make good sausages

Then he'll make toast instead

-

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

Why are they mouldy, oh why?

Why are the sausages always mouldy?

It's enough to make you cry!


	11. Flit

The clock at the heart of the city strikes one

A chilling wind oozes through the tattered curtains

The room beyond is dark, a dying fire in the grate

Beds un-made, a glass of gin on the table

An old hat, left behind on a peg

A small box sits, innocently, beside a gaping floorboard

Robbed of its contents, no longer wanted

For its owner has fled, along with the rest

The flames sputter and die

The room pitched into blackness

Now lit only by the rays of moonlight

Filtering in through the cracked windowpanes

"Flit, boys, flit!"

He'd screeched

They'd bolted for the door

He'd stuffed his jewels in a canvas bag

Donned his hat and scarpered

But returning once more

To rescue the still slumbering boy

Left behind in his panic

The air is still tainted

With frenzy and fear

Fagin and his young charges

Once resided here


	12. Macabre Musings

Death

Such a melancholy, macabre word

Full of fear and pain

Terror and woe

Pity and strife

Penitence and grief

And yet

For us,

It's a fact of life

We do the paperwork

Make coffins

Write epitaphs

Dig graves

Fashion wreaths

And everything in between

Yet even we will die someday

We know that

And we can't help but wonder

Who'll undertake proceedings

At our funeral?


	13. What Have I Done?

What have I done?

What have I done?

These words echo around my head

Even as I sing, and laugh and dance

Put on an act

Play a part

How could I have done this?

But it's all for the best

Isn't it?

What have I done?

What have I done?

These words echo around my head

Even as I raise the club, strike the blow, hear her scream

Tears fill my eyes

Grief fills my heart

How could I have done this?

But it's all for the best

Isn't it?

"What have you done?

_What have you done?_"

These words fly from my mouth

Even as I stare at him, dumfounded, sickened and scared

Biting my lip

Fearing our fate

All for the best?

Not now…it's too late


	14. Fagin's New Hobby

Today is as borin' as borin' can be

Charley can't come on the job with me

He's feelin' unwell; not fit as a flea

Fagin's asleep but it's not as if he'd be

Good company anyway.

He's taken up stamp collecting.


	15. The End Of It

Heart pounding

Hair flying

Hard breathing

Eyes swimming

Lip biting

Boy stumbling

Hand holding

Keep running

Man following

Child snatching

Woman screaming

Bloody beating

Heart pounding

Hair flying

Hard breathing

Eyes swimming

Lip biting

Boy crying

Man trembling

Finger pointing

Money grabbing

Still running

Roof climbing

Rope swinging

Pistol shooting

Death calling

Man falling

Sigh heaving

Pocket picking

Wallet giving

Man grinning

Street skipping

Carriage stopping

Boy running

Hug receiving

Home coming


	16. Mr Bumble's Lament

It's absolutely ridiculous

Preposterous

And many other words besides

Where does it say

In my job description

That I have to spend

Hours

Trudging through the snow

Attempting to sell off disrespectful orphans

For three pounds ten shillings?

Everyone says Oliver didn't know what he was getting himself into

When he asked for more

No-one bothers to think

About poor old Mr. Bumble

And how _he_ feels

(I deserve a pay rise

And a slice of trifle for my trouble)


	17. Recipe for Awesomesauce

_Here's a great recipe to prepare for entertainment, humor, horror, thrills and, of course, utter Dickensian brilliance. Be sure not to leave out any ingredients (also, be careful with the gin; it's flammable!)_

Gruel (shaken, not stirred)

One starving orphan (preferably with an unbroken voice and an innocent looking face)

An angry, overfed beadle (be sure to stir well with a pinch of ignorance)

Two creepy undertakers (sour)

One cheeky apprentice (stew with stupidity sauce beforehand for best results)

A coffin (wooden)

A top-hatted pickpocket (must have spiffy waistcoat & a Cockney accent)

Mouldy sausages (ten at most)

A genius gang-leader (cook over open flames with a toasting fork before mixing with other ingredients)

Said gang leader's gang of urchins/pickpockets (apple cheeked and hatted will do)

Gin (large measures; no skimping!)

A beautiful and tragic heroine (with the initials KS)

A brutal housebreaker (must carry threatening stick and wear a squashed looking hat)

One fierce dog (bull terrier for best results)

Her Majesty's Police Force (laced with corruptness and a dash of attempted justice)

A wealthy benefactor (must wear tailcoat)

A great libretto & musical score complete with ballads and up tempo tunes, bawdy tavern songs and jolly chorus numbers (Lionel Bart's Home Recipes)

_Once all the ingredients have been mixed to satisfaction, bake in the oven for two hours twenty seven minutes approx. Leave to cool, dig in and enjoy!_


	18. Consider Yourself Parody

You know wot I think

We'll do?

We'll go an' destroy

The entire storyline

We're gonna kill off

Bill Sykes

Before

He

Does anyone wrong or right!

And then after that

We will

Scuttle away

To the editing room

And cut out the parts

With gruel

Because

It's

Terribly disgusting!

And when that job is done

We shall be real happy chaps

We'll have some bacon baps

And pie!

(Please don't ask why I

Decided

To write that down

Although you have to

Wonder

Why!)

And so can't you see

What fun

We're going to have

Today?

Let's hop and skip

And jump and twirl

And have a ball

'Cos things're better off

That way!

**A/N:** Don't ask.

Just don't. XD


	19. Where Is Love? Parody

Why must I sing

This song?

It's so terribly

Boring!

Oh why can't I sing

Another song

Instead

Of this one?

This song is such

A bore!

It really makes me want

To snore!

Oh for goodness sake

Oh songwriter

Why must I suffer so?

I honestly think

This song

Is the worst one in

The score!

That is why when I

Have sung this one

I will sing no more!

Why must I sing?

Why must I sing?

This song!

**A/N:** I'm on a roll! XD


	20. Oliver! Parody

Candy corn!

Candy corn!

Never before

Was a better sweet born!

Candy corn!

Candy corn!

If you insult it it will not be borne!

There's a great big cardboard

Package all packed up

In bubble tape!

Which contains a hoarde

Of said sweets in all sorts

Of various size and shape!

Candy corn!

Candy corn!

What, heaven pray, will the chocolate say?

It will seek revenge on the one who ma-ade

Can…dy…corn!

**A/N:** Yes, I do love candy corn, but not to the extent that I think it's the best sweet ever. I just said that because I could come up with some surprisingly good rhymes. XD Expect another parody of this song sometime! =P


	21. Boy For Sale Parody

Strange socks!

They're on sale!

They're expensive!

'Bout five hundred quid

That…or thereabouts.

Odd socks!

They're on sale!

They are very weird!

In all shapes and sizes

And all colours too!

If I should say these socks were really pretty

I could not

I'd be telling you a tale!

Strange socks!

They're on sale!

Come take a peek!

Have you ever seen such we-ird

Socks

On

Sale!


	22. Oliver! Parody II

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

Where there is candy you cannot top that!

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

If you don't like it I'll eat my own hat!

And of course where there is

Chocolate there also are

M&M's

They are really nice

And tasty

Especially with crisp shells

Outside of 'em!

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

What heaven pray will the candy corn say?

It'll say shut up, I'm fed up of hearing 'bout

Choc-o-late!


	23. The Break In

Rain lashes down upon the city streets

A flickering flame shines at a window

Hear the pitter-patter of lonely feet

Making their way towards a haunt they know

The streets of London at night are cruel, wild

Yet onward this soul continues to walk

Beside him a small and terrified child

Who has just now been forbidden to talk

The dwelling is reached, the pair ushered in

The old stairwell is dark, gloomy and cold

The man scolds his friend for making a din

The strange house is dark, with the stench of mould

To Toby's house Oliver was taken

To be a part of a night-time break-in

--

**A/N:** I wrote a sonnet! –happy dance-

This is my second sonnet…ever. In my life. So go easy on me. XD

In case it doesn't come across clearly, this is the scene where Bill takes Oliver to Toby's house (2005 movie) so they can go on the house-breaking; poor kid was forbidden to talk unless he wanted a bullet through his head. Charming, eh?

Please R&R! ^^


	24. Bill's Confrontation

Toby hurried off to open the door

Leaving the gang all alone in the dark

When he returned he brought Bill, him for sure

The bloodstains on his coat had left their mark

The murderer sat down and glowered, eyes cold

Growled accusations at the small, scared gang

Just then they heard Bulls-Eye bark, he was bold

If he was heard they all knew they would hang

"Dodger let him in quick! Do as I say!"

Bill Sykes snarled, getting quickly to his feet

Dodge shook his head; Bill would not get his way

Moments later did they in a fight meet

Dodger was not afraid of the killer, Sykes

The gang were witnesses to this, that night

--

**A/N: **Katarina Sparrow gave me the idea for this one; I'm not that pleased with it but I hope you like it all the same, my dear. =)

Please R&R!


	25. Reviewing The Situation: A Parody

Reviewing The Situation: A Parody

**A/N:** All the cool kids are doing it. XD

Dedicated to Katarina Sparrow 19 and Coralyne of the Changing Pen-Names; you guys rule! ^^

--

I'm reviewing

The situation

And I think I will

Go out and buy

Some shoes

I will purchase

Several new pairs

For once I won't

Spend all my cash

On booze

-

I'll buy some high heels

Yes I shall

Or p'raps a pair

Of nice sandals?

Some kitten heels?

Yes they will do

And I would like

Some golf shoes too

Some stilettos?

Well maybe so…

Perhaps some wedges?

…Oh Gawd no!

I think I'd better

Think it out

Again

-

Wedges you can wear

Anyway

I prefer wearing Crocs

Anyway

But who's ever heard

Of a thief going out

To buy shoes?

One might go so far as to say

That it's all just a ruse…

-

I'm reviewing

The situation

And purchasing

Some shoes

Is what

I'll do!

I will go and

Buy a few pairs

Because I have

Nothing better

To do!

-

Some in tartan

Some in plaid

Some made of wool

Some ill-displayed

A few with leather

Some made crude

A pair with buckles

Made from suede

…I think I'd better

Think it out

Again

-

So what shall I do?

Somebody!

Who's heard of this thing?

Nobody!

Who's ever heard

Of a villain

Who invests in

Footwear?

Well…except for Bill Sykes

(Honestly, you had to be there.)

-

I'm reviewing

The situation

I'll buy some shoes

No matter what

You say!

Even if I

Never wear them

It'll be

Money well spent

Anyway!

-

I will buy them off of Amazon

Or eBay

Or another one

Or maybe I'll go to the store

To buy them

But then they'll cost more

Or p'raps I should just save my cash

To spend on a plate of

Bangers and mash?

I think I'd better

Think it out

Again

Hey!

--

**A/N: **Very repetitive, but I found it amusing at the time. I also recently ordered lots of Oliver! Related stuff off of Amazon so … yay! C:


	26. The BackStory To The Previous Chapter

Treats Of The Day Where Two Criminals We All Know And Love (I Think…) Went To Buy Shoes

Alternatively known as

"The Back-Story To That Hilarity"

(title provided by Katarina Sparrow 19)

_A ficlet put in the anthology fanfiction because it wouldn't fit in anywhere else_

_WARNING: Incredibly out of character characters. __**INCREDIBLY**__ out of character. Which will hopefully lead to randomness, hilarity and stupidity. You never know._

-

There was a sharp and impatient knock on the door of Bill Sykes' residence, not pleasing the apartment's occupant in the slightest. Not only was the mid-day sun blinding him through the curtains but now Bill had an unexpected visitor to deal with. Couldn't a man have a snooze in peace anymore?

"GO AWAY WHOEVER YOU ARE!" he bellowed, before hiding his head under a pillow and attempting to nod off again.

The knocking came again, louder and more impatient this time.

"I SAID GO AWAY!" yelled Bill, although his voice was muffled by the pillow firmly clamped over his noggin. "I AM TRYIN' TO SLEEP 'ERE!"

"You can't be asleep if you're shouting like that, my dear," said an annoyingly familiar voice. "Unless of course you're shouting in your sleep at someone unbeknownst to me who-"

"FAGIN, WILL YOU PLEASE GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Goodness," muttered Fagin (for it was he at the door). "It occurred to him to ask politely! That's a first!"

"I 'EARD YOU, YOU STINKIN', ROTTEN, AVARICIOUS-"

"Same old, same old…" said Fagin in a sing-song voice. "Always insulting the little guy…what did I ever do to-"

He stopped abruptly as the door was ripped open, revealing a furious Bill Sykes, wielding a pillow in one hand. Fagin wasn't entirely sure why this was, until said pillow began hitting him around the face.

"Alright! Alright!" he spluttered, finally managing to bat the now rather limp pillow away. "Golly galoshes man, what's gotten into you?"

"Wot d'you think?" growled Bill, tossing what remained of the pillow onto the feather strewn floor.

It was only then that he noticed what Fagin was wearing.

His usual mouldy old coat and hat to be sure…but his _shoes_…they looked pretty much the same as always too, except, of course, for the fact that they were bright orange.

"Um…Fagin…" Bill said, trying to stop his eye from twitching as he gazed incredulously at the shoes. "Wot on Earth are…those?"

"You like them, my dear?" said Fagin proudly.

"No, not really," said Bill; Fagin's grin dropped in an instant. "Wot're you wearin' 'em for? They don't go with your clothes, plus I don't think an orange that bright 'as been invented yet!"

Fagin rolled his eyes.

"Ignorant fool! Today is Stupid Shoe Day, as decreed by me."

"Uh huh…" said Bill slowly, pinching himself all the while to check he wasn't dreaming (which hurt, considering he's Bill Sykes and all).

"And guess what else?" cried Fagin, looking so excited he might burst.

"Wot?" said Bill warily, taking a step away from Fagin.

"THE SHOE EMPORIUM IS HAVING A SALE! AND WE'RE GOING!"

"WOT?" cried Bill, utterly bewildered. "Are you out of your pathetic excuse for a mind?"

"Yep!" Fagin replied, grabbing Bill's coat and tossing it at him before grabbing his arm in an alarmingly firm grip. "To the shoe store we go!"

"I ain't wearin' any shoes!" Bill said, somewhat stupidly.

"That's the point," Fagin snapped. "You _buy_ shoes."

"Why are you spendin' cash on shoes all of a sudden?" Bill asked, intrigued despite himself.

Fagin shrugged.

"I think I'm having a late mid-life crisis or something…."

"That makes perfect sense…" Bill muttered with a roll of his eyes.

Thus, Fagin and Bill Sykes set off for The Incredibly Large Shoe Shop (The Likes of Which Would Most Certainly Not Have Been Invented in This Era but What the Heck) Emporium.

The surprising thing was, despite his initial misgivings, Bill found he actually enjoyed shopping for shoes, though he tried not to show it. It was fun talking Fagin out of buying ridiculous pairs such as red stilettos and purple spotted flats; this meant he got to insult him and he couldn't care less.

He even ended up with a couple of pairs himself (as nondescript as was possible in such a bizarre shop) but soon, just for the heck of it, found himself adding a pair of lime green boots with bright yellow stripes to his future purchases.

Fagin on the other hand was loaded with boxes in all shapes and sizes, despite Bill's protests that he would never wear them all.

"Right then!" said Fagin as he staggered to the counter and dumped his boxes onto it. "Let's see now…ten shillings for those, a pound for them, these were buy one get one free which is nifty so that brings the total to a pound and ten shillings…"

This went on for awhile.

"-and tuppence for those, bringing us to a grand total of fifteen pounds, three shilling and fourpence!"

Bill's jaw dropped.

"'Ow…d'you…expect to pay for…" he stuttered.

"Don't worry," said Fagin airily, hastily handing over the cash to the similarly stunned man working as cashier and slipped the wallet back into his pocket. "I have this sorted."

The expedition over with, Bill and Fagin parted ways; Fagin headed to his den, whistling all too happily as he went, while Bill returned to his flat.

Only to find that his wallet, which had contained fifteen pounds, three shillings and fourpence when he last examined it, was gone.

Now where could _that_ be?

-

**A/N:** What can I say? It's been a while and, as seems to happen on such occasions, The Writer's Block Fairy was pestering me. So I wrote this instead. XD

Hope you liked it! I should be writing my proper fanfiction again soon. =P


	27. Dickens

**D**ramatic

**I**ntense

**C**lever

**K**aleidoscopic

**E**xciting

**N**ifty

**S**pectacular

**A/N:** No clue what this sort of poem is called but what the heck. XD Go Dickens!


	28. A Bundle Of Haikus

Dodging down the street

A cheeky grin on his face

Pocketwatch in hand

--

Consider yourself at home

Was the Artful Dodger's song

Before heading home

--

A large mug of gin

And all is right with the world

Or so Fagin says

--

Food glorious food

The workhouse lads longing song

This makes me hungry

--

William Sykes says

Blood, fisticuffs and more blood

All part of the job


	29. Guilt

He wrenched open the door

And stalked away

Unable to find words

He needed to say

The guilt overwhelmed him

Crushed him like a vice

And yet to be kind

Would cost such a price

He was not a man

For kindness and care

And yet still she stayed

In the flat with him there

Despite all the violence

The sorrow and pain

Despite the fact that she knew

It would happen again

Despite all this she loved him

Did he love her too?

Or was this a union

She someday would rue?

She knew not the answer

And no more so did he

The pair of them locked

In destructive unity

It was not impossible

The crime he committed

It suited his nature

Not at all acquitted

But the deed it was done

His clothes stained with blood

He'd walked weary miles

Skin flecked with mud

No matter how far he went

Nor how heavy his tread

The feeling of guilt

He could not shed

He was not a man accustomed to pain

And yet poor Nancy he had slain

He was filled with an overwhelming guilt

Because of the blood he so wrongly spilt


End file.
